Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Selling Sh*t

Hey everyone!  Today was a much better day, chiefly because of the hay.  We unstacked the hay.   It was much better than I thought. 

Yesterday, when I was so overwrought about the moldy hay, I could only see the places that were the wettest, thus the moldiest.  Today, unstacked where I can see an entire round bale, not so bad.  I think the load will be largely salvaged drying in rows in the sun.  Thank goodness for all of this sunny weather!

The sunny weather brings me to my next point.  Spring is in the air here!  It's still February so I know not to be fooled.  Everyone else is free to get spring fever!  Why? Because spring fever breeds income!

When the weather gets better, so does my business.  People are ready to get outside and ride.  People are ready to plant.  People are planning their gardens.  People are in need of sh*t!

Selling sh*t.  Some may interpret that as selling drugs.  Some may think of it as having to run quickly to the pawn shop to cash in.  I think of it as a lovely source of income.  That's right folks, I sell horse sh*t.

Actually, if you're willing to load it yourself with a shovel, it's free. Rarely do I get someone who wants to load it themselves.  It's not the smell either.  Horse sh*t really doesn't smell.  It's that people are lazy.  Ok, well, pay up then.

One of the few people who opted to load her own sh*t was a pregnant woman.  She was due any day and trying to help the baby along with the exercise. When I saw she was very pregnant, I offered to load it with the tractor for free.  Nope. She wanted to do it herself. She and her sister loaded a pick-up truck load with shovels. Now, that's a real woman for you!

It took me two years into the business to start charging to load sh*t.  I realized one day when diesel fuel was hitting close to $5.00 a gallon that I was losing money giving sh*t away.  I was loading for someone one day while I paid a trainer to work my more advanced horses.

Something was seriously wrong with that picture.  I'm burning fuel that costs money.  I'm paying the trainer that costs money.  I'm loading sh*t for some lazy rude person.  This is wrong.  So, I started charging to load it.

My prices are cheap.  Three pick-up truck loads of manure is $35.00.  The average truck will hold 600-800 lbs of sh*t.  That is a heck of a bargain.  You can't buy compost from Lowe's for that.  You can't produce that much compost from your yard trash and household leftovers.  It's a deal.

You'd be surprised how many people think it's not a deal.  The first year I charged for it and required appointments, people hung up on me.  My farm is not Burger King.  You cannot have it your way.

I was tired of people wanting sh*t on demand.  It disrupted our daily schedule.  They weren't nice about their requests either.

I don't remember who told me people are especially rude when they are getting something for nothing, but it's generally true.  Now, I have my exceptions.  My lesson clients can have sh*t for free.  There's a nun who comes to pick up sh*t for the monastery garden.  Hers is free.  There's a farmer who brings me homemade sausage, wine, you name it.  He gets his sh*t for free.  Those are nice people.  I'll load them up all day long.  No problem.

The general public is another matter.  Those are some strange folks.  Lately, I've gotten some calls asking, "What's in your manure?" don't know?  Horse poop, mostly.  A little hay.  A few pine shavings. "What's in the shavings?"  Pine.  "Anything else?"  I don't think so.

I had one guy call the company that produces the shavings to ask if there was arsenic in them.  I told him I didn't think they'd be FDA approved to use with animals if they did.  Of course they didn't.  He's a good customer now.  Weird.  Drives a little pearl colored poser truck, but he's ok.

I've got a bunch of folks coming in for sh*t this week.  That's good.  It means income.  But, one of them responded, "Oh my!" to my $35.00 for 3 truck loads price.  His price is about to go up. 

That's the next move.  If you're a pain in the part of the horse this sh*t came out of, your sh*t will be priced accordingly.  That was my mother's idea.

See, she's a whole lot tougher than she looks.  I warn people about that. She sneaks up on them with her cute little self.  Bam!  They didn't call her The Velvet Hammer for nothing.

I mean, if Mr. Oh My weren't so freaking lazy, he could load the sh*t himself and it would be free.  That's the policy.  If you're too lazy to load it yourself, shut up. 

Maybe that should be the new policy?  In addition to the price going up by how big of a pain you are.  Mom also added price should go up by the number of inane questions people ask about the sh*t, too.  See, I told you.  She'll sneak up on you!

Good night folks!  Thanks for reading!

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